The Daughter of an Envious Narcissist Mother

Being a daughter of a narcissistic mother is the worst. Or if you are a child of a narcissist anyway. I wouldn't want this for anyone no matter what, on anywhere in the world. Yet, it's a reality.

I just had some memories coming up, when I used to live in a very toxic household as a nanny, taking care of two loving, yet chaotic kids. Everything was fine, as the months passed, I absolutely LOVED babysitting them even though when they behaved bad they were total jealous assholes 😬, and even though I was getting paid miserably. I quickly realized that their mother wasn't the nice woman I dreamed and hoped to meet. She was an entrepreneur like me, so yep, of course I idolized meeting like minded people. In short, she constantly criticized me in my chores, was rarely happy with my work, even though the husband saw the opportunity in me (young, barely any experience with pricing and rates, student, polyglot), and tried to keep me. In the end she told me I was not necessary for a month, so I left again. But oh god the nightmares that continued after that.

Not only relating that, but my parents too. I dreamt I was escaping her, and going back to my parents. I'm not sure what's worse.

I still remember one time at night, when I bought a cheap-55-bucks phone to keep to chat with my internet friends, as she kept controlling the other phone too (which I bought myself btw), and after around a week of hiding it, my mother's paranoia was right - I was hiding something. Or maybe she noticed my flighty behaviour. She stormed casually into my room as always, turning on the light, and noticed that I quiickly hid something. I think I was like 16-17 at that time already.

She opened the blankets and turned me around with force, revealing I had, indeed, a phone. She tried snatching it from me. No sucess because I think I escaped to the bathroom to hide.

My memory is blurry after that, but I remember my mother now being outside of my room for some reason, and I was hiding my small phone behind a bookcase. She stormed in, yelling and shouting of course. It was around 2-3am. She demanded to tell her where was the phone located. I said no. Again and again and again.

So she went to bring her husband to me, she started complaining, like a young girl "teacher teacher, look what she's doing!" with this kind of energy. As if she was snitching up on me. My father woke up, obviously grumpy and sleepy, and went to my room. It got to that point where I saw, horrified and heartbroken, how she was hands on her hips watching me how my father beat me on my shoulders and back. It felt as if she was the commander and my father was the general supreme following orders.

And I was just... Nothing.

If you don't believe me, I'm happy for you. And grateful that you weren't born in this shithole. You might get an idea, sure. But only narcissistic survivors will feel this IN THEIR SKIN. It was horrible.

This continued until I gave up, and of course, sobbing, gave the phone to her. She took it. No, she didn't hide it. She took a hammer and started breaking the phone to pieces. She then took them and went to the bathroom and locked the door, while I was having a mental breakdown, crying, begging her not to break it further. She only got worse.

I managed to open the door of the bathroom, catching her throwing the outer parts of the phone to the freaking toilet. I couldn't freak out more, she walked to the bin, and I figured out she threw the battery there.

I was devastated (...). Fast forward, the abuse continued. Obviously this was not the first nor last event that happened, but it did leave a very big imprint on me. Of course emotional manipulation, guilt tripping, gaslighting.. it all was common. Very common. More common that what I would hope.

Having a narcissistic mother is an eternal heartbreak for a daughter. It's trying to find connection daily, but instead finding competition and fights, even in the smallest of things.

It's the jealousy of your hair and the comparisons with hers, the grades at school and university, her career and your choice to follow your passion and build a business instead, it's her thinking you are not doing enough because when she was young, she took care of her sister, she spent 1 hour and a half going to school every day, she got the best grades, she took all extra activities, everyone loved her, men protected her in career expeditions to desserts, etc etc - it's fighting over all this generational blocks and limiting beliefs.

It's constant, constant grief. Because your emotional immature parents might have raised you, even given you a house, a roof above your head, and food, but emotional care like gentle, genuine love? None. 0.

And the irony? They told you all the time that you should feel GRATEFUL for this because they didn't have it before. I mean, yes, understandable, but still not an excuse to be my first bully. I also have trauma, and as all survivors know that we ain't giving pain purposely, vomiting your wounds onto others. 💔

Yes, we might have episodes, but we are quick to acknowledge that was way too much. And we apology. And we fix things. Not narcissists.

Living with a narcissistic mother is realizing you won't ever have a best friend to confide in, even to ask for women's issues or problems. You will always have to google things, or ask other women in your cycle. Women who you trust.

Living with a narcissist mother, is telling her, hurt after coming from a month in a summer camp that your crush hooked up with another girl and you were too shy to even do anything about it, let alone ask him out, and the thing that ocurred to tell me (instead of offering comfort for example!) is saying I should have sat on his lap and seduced him. I was 16. Excuse me. I- I was an introvert. AND it was AGAINST my morals and values to do that to a boy. I just could't.

So of course I cried it all out in my room.

Another episode I remember, and this is way later, some months before I left the house - bear with me this is the last one 🤣🤣, it's another temper tantrums (narcissistic injury) when I don't give her the attention she seeked.

She got to my room when I was away, she completely destroyed my bed, everything on the floor, the blankets, and my clothes on the floor. Couple of books too, if the occasion happens.

Just because I didn't want to place the iron board leaning on the wall in the EXACT moment she wanted. I was busy in a meeting.

Then I enter, either I sighed, or started crying out of frustration. Yes, I might be a messy person, like on my worst busiest days you will see A LOT of my work desk. But I don't appreciate someone messing on my things. Oh my god. I think nobody does anyway.

I cried I cried I cried. It just never stopped. My father thought I was crying to manipulate me (yep, he was becoming like my mother), telling me I'm 2 or 6, depending on how he felt crying was a weakness. Honestly, now that I'm typing this, I'm sure these ages were the ones he was told to shut up himself. And bottle it up.

But the worst is obviously the master of the house. When I rebel and she doesn't get what she wants, she starts crying, telling my father that if I don't either stop this or leave the house, she wil leave herself. Which, my father doesn't want to.. codependency.

So after my mother calmed down, she went to continue using the living room computer, and my father kept on scolding me. Welp. This was just one of those days.

Living with a narcissist is one of the worst things you could ever experience.

Yes, you get extreme resilience, you learn to fight back, to protect yourself, to be a warrior for yourself every single day. You train your mind and soul to always feel that spark of hope. 💗

But in the worst days, you get nightmares, you flinch at every loud sound, you hope people are not secretly angry at you.

It's a mix. I packed myself up with the personal experience, and with all the tools I needed - EMDR therapy, CBT, Reiki healing, Ericksonian hypnotherapy, Quantum healing.... and I do help other survivors daily to heal.

Just as you are reading this right now, I ask for you one thing.

No matter if you are still with them, or you left. Don't you dare give up. I got you. So many people that don't know you physically got your back.

Don't believe me? Join us on our private community on FB. ❤️

Much love!

your Quantum Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach & Mentor

Elisaveta